These days I seem to have regressed a little back to ruminating and those around me I think find that hard to acknowledge. I worked so hard at finding coping strategies to stop myself and distract myself and at the moment those things are just not possible and it feels as those some of those who care most about me aren’t judging me, but don’t understand why I’m back to overthinking, staring at my phone waiting for a particular email, or hanging out by the letterbox waiting for a letter. The TV rarely goes on because I don’t need or notice it, I’m mindlessly staring into space processing situations over and over trying to fix them!
I’m tired, so tired, it’s exhausting, because the majority of things I’m thinking about are unable to be “fixed” at all or not by me and my positivity and motivation is failing. Thankfully I have consistency and determination that’s keeping my going every day right now, but it’s going through the motions and it’s not a long term solution.
When people talk about ruminating, I think we can all do it to a certain extent. We overthink something that’s happened or that could happen in the future. We’ve all been there. It’s frustrating, it rarely has a good outcome, but it’s “normal”. When it comes to having EUPD, we take these things to a whole new level. We like to excel, good and bad!
I recently discussed with my psychiatrist a situation that I was currently experiencing. He asked me what I was fearful of… well … The next 45 minutes flew by. I told him what should and could have happened previously, with the various results all of those would or could have brought about. I then followed up with where we were at now and then a list of possible next steps, following each one up with around about 5 years of consequences and possibilities. Thrown in was of course my speciality of catastrophising. major fallouts, death, huge debt, divorce, my own illness returning to a point I couldn’t manage again and yet… in realty, in a rational mind, none of these would probably happen. But it didn’t stop me not only considering them, but thinking about them in detail.
My psychiatrist was reassuring, kind and supportive, but even he was surprised at the level of depth some of my scenarios had taken on in my head. Conversations that took place in years to come, life changing actions and generally resulting in very real and understandable fear. He simply said, “I would struggle to process that too” and in that moment he validated me, for the first time in a long time, I felt listened to and understood, but also heard from “the expert” that some of it wasn’t something I should be feeling of thinking and it was ok to need help. Those questions, options, conversations, consequences, thoughts start spinning in my head like a tumble dryer. And it is exhausting.
I have the same process when it’s positive. When someone begins to share a business idea or suggestion, I follow through with a 5 year plan with them all. Not one or two, I think I’m depth about 20 or 30 of them and can get to a point I don’t need to sleep. I become focussed on making each one work. I tell everyone and don’t always understand why they can’t keep up. I share new ideas every 15 minutes expecting the others in my team or workplace to follow at my pace and although I’m not frustrated that they don’t, I feel upset when they don’t feel or show the same enthusiasm. I can work constantly, no problem, no breaks are needed, zoom to zoom, call to call. My brain over working constantly. From the outside it looks like creativity, high functioning, fully absorbed, over working, but in reality I just have learnt the skills to harmonise it with life.
I’m often not physically active. My job is thinking, so I’m not the mum working out at 5am, networking, baking, home prepped lunches and meals cooked. My house is far from immaculate and I’m not supermum, but as far as my brain goes, it does not switch off. It’s either trying to do everything, better, bigger, more efficient, faster, more, more more. Or it goes the other way, I think of the problems, and each problem leads to more.
These two parts of me are the same. I don’t have a split personality. I just have impulsive, passionate mindset and a brain that doesn’t switch off. So it can be for the solution or the problem. Every day I work on generating and receiving snd opening myself up to more good thoughts so that it can win out and find solutions.
My old techniques mostly revolves around not being in my home. Breaking the cycle or the view, but as is life for everyone, the walls have been the same for a long time. Even the route I take for my dog walk can’t be mixed up that much. I find breaking the cycle by seeing people, by the physical touch of a hug, or the clink of a glass of wine in the pub, visiting new places and experiencing new things.
So for now, I’ll share how I feel and why I might be struggling a little bit more than I have for a while. I am working on new techniques because although there is light at the end of the tunnel, I can’t just wait for brighter days, I have to find ways to adjust, adapt and live my life now, today. I’m back to blogging a little, I’ve wrote several I haven’t published. I’m talking more about mental health and helping others. I’m keeping up with 10k steps per day, even when in the house, just as a focus and so I don’t catch myself retiring to my safe haven in bed.
Hence the reason for one of my old school blogs really sharing how I feel and I have to say, it feels good!
If this has resonated with you, please let me know