mental health

Gastroscopy – I’ve already got a lump in my throat

Arrrrggghhhh it’s been a long time since I’ve felt this anxious, so anxious that I had to write it down, but there you go. This is what it’s for!

Today I’m going for a gastroscopy procedure and I’m dreading it. My breathing is one of the biggest things that triggers my anxiety. My asthma and anxiety are strongly related and almost become one at times. The thought of having something uncomfortable through my airways that I’m worried about, however safe, has set me off a little today.

I’m here on the countdown to my last hour before nil by mouth kicks in and up to this point at least making a cup of tea and drinking it slowly, tasting it, feeling the temperature and sensation of heat has been a well used coping mechanism.

I now find myself randomly worrying about lire and trying to get everything in place, just in case! I’m not sure what just in case, maybe in case I come home and I’m sleepy, or unwell or the worst case which we don’t discuss

The thing is I am worried about the worst. Worrying is not useful , it’s a waste of time and energy, but sometimes however hard we try, it’s there. In my rational mind I know nothing will be wrong, but on days like today my anxiety rears it’s head with force and reels off a million scenarios, none of which are good or pleasant.

I try to think to myself what would be the best outcome. Some would say finding nothing, but ultimately that means more tests and uncertainty and that’s not something I would prefer. That’s not the best outcome for me. Perhaps if they found something minor, that could easily be fixed, corrected and just made better.

And then there’s bloody Covid. Trust me to need 2 procedures done over the weekend that the pandemic is set to overload the NHS. Am I at risk of catching it? Am I being selfish having these procedures at this time? Will they get cancelled…

Finally I’ll finish with a quote from the philosophers All Saints… “All the answers to my questions… I have to find!”

“My heads spinning, boy I’m in a daze. I feel isolated, don’t wanna communicate.”

I’m sure I’ll be updating you all in no time… not my best blog… more of a brain dump but was so needed today

Have a good one, Sarah x

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