It’s been a while, but having been in bed pretty much solidly for 10 days today, I was feeling low. I’ve written blogs before on how when I’m physically unwell, here. It impacts my head and mental wellness and I’m definitely finding that right now. So here’s my blog… and I’m changing it!
There’s lots of research to suggest that asthma and anxiety trigger each other in many ways and unfortunately, asthma can have a number ot knock on effects through allergies and general unwellmess. Currently I have chronic sinusitis and the pain feels unbearable. It later turns out that I have nerve damage or a trapped nerve in my face, triggered by many things included my sinus’s. When my physical health is poor, I sit and think and ruminate and it’s not good for anyone!
You know when people say, I hope you’re feeling better, and usually you can say, “Yes I’m on the mend” it’s fab. But when you can’t you just start to get fed up, you don’t want to tell people you still feel rubbish, you want to be better. I was definitely there at the point. I needed to shut away for a while.
Today for a number of reasons I had decided to ring my CPN. During lockdown I’ve coped pretty well. My business has been growing at an exceptional rate, home schooling the kids, (well more just them being at home), creating a home office and finding new coping mechanisms as most of those I have usually used, have become redundant during the pandemic. I wanted to tell her I was finally read to admit I was struggling, finding it hard and starting to have some backwards thoughts! This was it, the moment everyone was waiting for, the drop at the end of the rollercoaster, the dip where I wave goodbye to everything good and I head back to the professionals telling them I’m unwell again and need to be nursed back to sanity.
My phone rang, and it was my my first lockdown telephone appointment (I’d forgotten about it) with my clinician about my progress. I was telling her everything, assured she was reach for the prescription pad, or even send someone to fetch me and whisk me away, but she didn’t. After what was an amazing call, she is actually reduced my medication! I was shocked. It turns out everyone (or a lot of people anyway), are struggling with the current lockdown. She explained the changes in society right now we’re bound to have an impact and praised me for how well I was dealing with it. She reminded me of some of the thoughts, concepts and things I was experiencing a year ago and blew my mind. I am different. I really am.
In that time she recalled some of the steps I have made, stopping smoking in April, stopping all the anti-psychotics medication, stopped seeing my CPN, clinical psychiatric nurse, weekly (now not at all due to Covid), completed 10 months of intensive DBT, dialectical behavioural therapy. And when she told me my last recorded weight I’ve also lost a stone an a half, I’m aware there’s a long way to go, but it’s a start.
On Thursday she reduced my flueoxtine. I have been on these tablets since I was 16… over 22 years and in the middle of a bad day, feeling unwell and a pandemic, she’s reducing the dose. That’s how far I’ve come! And along with the weight loss, this too has spurred me on to want to continue this. And get on track for losing more weight and becoming fitter.
My business has grown and grown and I’m loving helping more people than ever. I am now in a position where I help over 1070 people in the UK and I’m building a global team in the US. All to work from home with a brand that is incredibly fighting to make the world a fairer and more beautiful place. With community fair trade partnerships, natural ingredients and campaigns to impact the world in terms of anything unfair.
I don’t like to praise myself. I’ve always been under the impression it’s wrong, or arrogant or cocky. That you can’t be assertive or confident or even proud of yourself without being egotistical or self-centred. But that changes today. I am proud of myself. There, I said it. I’m so fortunate to have people around me, who guide me and believe in me. I have never had a mentor in my life, and Roselyn Wragg, has taught me more about myself than anyone I have ever met. Each day I learn more about personal development, improving as a person and believing in myself as much as she has.
I’m going to have hiccups and this week I’m going to stay in bed and get better, take breaks and realise that I can. I’m not letting anyone down, I’m renewing myself to get well. And when I come back next week fully, I will be listening to those around me, to set boundaries, to take breaks and to believe in myself. Because I’m stronger now than I have ever been