Today is 20th May 2020 and we’re currently midway through the initial lockdown down to Covid-19. I’m not saying I’m always smiling like this, but much more often than not these days. I still have borderline personality disorder/ emotional unstable personality disorder and generalised anxiety disorder, and I’m still here, here’s why!
Over many years I’ve had problems with mental health illness, depression, anxiety and my BPD diagnosis, but I used to let them hold me back. Now I work on them, daily, but I embrace what they have taught me and use them to motivate and power my drive each day. I’m where I am today and who I am today because above all else, I learnt to accept.
I had to accept the losses and bereavements. I had to know and acknowledge how I felt about them, that it was unfair, but ultimately I had to accept them. And it took so much longer than I thought. I am so glad that through therapy, perseverance, self development and my family and friends, I was able to as now I feel better than ever. I miss them all, especially my mum and my best friend Kirsty every day, but I have accepted that they are no longer here. I still have bad days, but I accept them for what they are, bad days, a blip, not the start of a downward spiral.
Today and every day I see as a new day, new opportunities to learn, to heal, to help and to improve. I will be on this journey of self development and exploration for ever and that excites me. I’m no longer in search of an end destination, an achievement, but instead my goals are filled with the journey of developing. I know it sounds all very cliche, but it’s not for me. For so long I lived in my head of black and white thinking, in a good place or a bad place, ill or well and now this flow, it’s life changing.
The best bit about all of this… that I’m a better mom for it! There I said it. I’m far from perfect, learning every day but our house is full of talking and emotional sharing and learning. They are allowed to be sad, angry, happy, scared, anything and they are encouraged to talk or write about it whenever they choose to, or not. I love sharing what I’ve learnt with them, but I’m only hoping it will help, I’m sure they will make their own mistakes.
My life is full of positivity and things that will make me a better person. Whether it’s the friends I spend time with who make me laugh, the books I read or TV I watch. The people who appear in my social media feed, if it doesn’t make me feel good, I unfollow them, remove them from my life. It doesn’t have to be all happy clappy, but I no longer choose to spend my time with people who pull others down, who criticise and judge others, who fill their lives with drama. Instead it’s filled with humour, kindness, empowerment and success. Surround yourself with the people you want to be like!
I have to give credit so much to not only my DBT, my CPN, but also to my job which has given me these new beliefs of empowering and confidence. They celebrate each other and build each other up. I’ve never quite experienced a tribe or job like it, and I’m forever grateful to finding The Body Shop at Home!
Be kind, be yourself and you are enough. I hope you’ll continue to follow my blogs as I continue to write about life with BPD