anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, covid, Depression, illness, lockdown, mental health, Personality Disorder, purpose

Lockdown with BPD

Written 11th April 2020 … Published 31st March 2021

Where do I start… right now… I’m exhausted, I’m drained and I’m tired of showing I’m ok when I’m not.

Having just had a couple of hours crying to myself, I’ve realised the difference between the old me and now. The old me would have allowed this to spiral, for days, weeks or dare I say it months. Today I just accepted I needed to cry. I needed to let off some steam, I needed to release some of the anxiety, the frustration, the anger… the emotions. Rather than being unstable, I chose to let it come out, alone, in my room.

You see right now is a scary time for everyone, and before I go any further, please don’t think that I’m not aware of so many in a worse situation than me. I am so grateful for the staff fighting on the frontline within the NHS, for those working at the supermarkets and warehouses to provide us with essentials, to the police and emergency services and I know the list is endless. I just needed to blog, and write about how I was feeling and hopefully it will help anyone else out there.

My anxiety comes from health. Many of my blogs have been about the illnesses and bereavements I have suffered and after a long 10 months in therapy last year, I was finally feeling like I was coming out at the other side. My medication has been reduced significantly and my CPN has reduced my visits to monthly in the hope to reducing them further soon. And then appeared the corona.

On the weekend of the corona arriving I still held my daughters birthday party, visited Meadowhall (I never do this) and even booked a girls weekend away to Spain. Why, because I wanted to prove I was better, I wanted to prove that this “silly bug” would not tie me up in knots panicking… and then came lockdown. And it also came that I needed to self shield for 12 weeks due to my asthma.

I started off so well, but as we come to the end of the third week I find myself struggling. I’m struggling to want to have some Disney family life where we are all bonding and enjoying the slower pace of life, my kids jumping out of bed raring to do their PE lesson and fill up their day with school work, and baking and crafts. I long to reduce the pressure on myself to be all things to all people.

So how do I feel… here we go. I feel scared, so scared I’m going to die and so sad I won’t have seen people before I do. So sad and worried each time my asthma takes a little dip. Worried about friends and family who are worried about their bills and jobs, upset for people who are alone, frustrated for those who have lost someone without it being able to say goodbye and just sad

March 31st 2021… reading this from almost a year ago fills me with hope. I’ve had a bad day, maybe a bad few days. I don’t know why, maybe I do, but I’m here. I’ve had a cry! I took the same decision today as I did last year. I went to see a friend in their garden today. I kept my optician appointment. I know it doesn’t seem much, but really I wanted to give away, stay in bed and avoid the world.

So I switched off my phone and lived a bit. I enjoyed the sun. I had a drive (I mean 6 miles in total… but still)… I talked to a friend… I ordered some clothes… I read a book… I got outside… I had a bath and used a Face mask and listened to spa music… I painted my nails… I just lived

So much about life still feels uncertain, but if I’ve learnt anything this year it’s the health, mental and physical, and family are first. Life is too short to hate what you do, over worry or live a life of regrets.

LIVE LAUGH LOVE and find your purpose

Sarah x

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