I’ve been thinking about whether or not I share this, but like everything I share it’s always s list of pros and cons. I’m working with the pro’s that
- Writing it down might help others understand my why
- I find it therapeutic to journal my thoughts
- I hope it may resonate with others
- It might help someone else
Today is day 10 of not really being out. I say not really as I did take my dog to the vet one day to drop him off. So at the weekend I tried to venture out to watch my daughter play football & when that didn’t pan out… I gave up for a little bit. So other than that I’ve stayed in. I guess I wanted to explain why.
For such a long time I’ve chosen where possible to stay inside my little world. It’s generally very safe and I’m protected. When I go out, things happen that are outside my control. Over the last year I’ve built this up and become more and more brave and gone out with others, to places I know, even made long drives and events on my own. I’ve had hiccups and bad times, but overall I’ve made a vast improvement. So today I sat in the garden for a little while rather than just my 4 walls.
I went out recently and had a day which went a little wrong, a scenario I’d over thought for days happened and in the worst way. See most of my therapy teaches me that my thoughts are often irrational, unlikely to happen and in times of anxiety… things could be worse, but on this occasion it wasn’t. It happened. It was horrible.
I did this previously when my fear had been abandonment. An irrational fear. It soon became reality when losing Nigel’s parents, my mum and then Kirsty, who’s anniversary it is today. I miss them all, but siddently my fear was no longer irrational. It was very real. Today is Kirsty’s anniversary too and I can’t believe it’s been 3 years. I do miss having that best friend to talk to.
So at the weekend I decided I should push myself, I needed to get out and I’d missed the lift to my daughters football. So I got up and dressed and drove. It was about a 30 minute drive and I arrived. I was so proud oh myself. I’d done it. I’d gone out and I was ok. I walked around before becoming lost. I rang my husband who thought I was being silly and he was watching the match so couldn’t come to find me. After 15 minutes I drove home hysterically crying. I vowed irrationally to never leave my house again. And hers I am. I’m changing appointments, inviting people to me and debating fetching good for dinner this evening between eating another freezer favourite to avoid going out. What if I bump into someone? I’d only recently started my healthy eating plan and I’ve not been to group for two weeks. Nobody will be mean to me but I know I’ve been eating as usual, no changes and therefore the “worst case scenario” will probably happen. Upset, asked why, have no reason. I keep promising to join the gym, but who goes, will someone laugh at the fat one.
Today I’ve had meetings with my team, all of course coming to me or with the power of zoom. I’ve also actually got lots of work done, it’s the busiest time for people to join us. But I’ve stayed in.
Tomorrow I need to take Laila to hospital. It’s just a check up from when she broke her fingers. I cancelled it last week and I have to try to make it tomorrow.
I’ve also got to my make my group therapy on Thursday having also missed this last week.
Sometimes I feel like I need a day or two where everything else and everyone else stays still so I can catch up.
I’ve even considered trying to book in a spa for a night. A pool, massage, read my books and room service but I’m scared to book it.
Who knows anyway, I just wanted to share, I’ll be back to my old self soon, but in the meantime I’m so thankful for my husband and daughters for their support and cuddles. And I’m so thankful for my job where I can stay at home and still work