Has it really been over 4 years since I held her hand and said goodnight… it has!
I remember for so long feeling like nothing would ever be the same again, nothing would ever feel normal, I’d never think it would be ok to laugh or enjoy myself. But over the years my grief has changed and so much of that is to do with acceptance. Acceptance isn’t saying something is ok, or agreeing with it, or saying it’s fair. It’s realising it’s happened and you can’t change it. That’s acceptance.
When mum was first ill and passed in just those 6 short weeks I was sad, but the overriding emotion was anger. I don’t even think I knew that’s what I was feeling, but now I can see it. For so long after I walked round with a chip on my shoulder, feeling like we’d been hard done to as a family. I’d share my story, sharing how unfair life had been to my girls. I could list it all here, but I guess that has been the biggest change. I no longer need to. It’s not nice, or fair, but it’s reality and it happened. Here is the blog I wrote last year on losing my 2 besties p
You see now… I still think it’s rubbish that my mum isn’t here, but … she isn’t! That has took me such a long time to say, and I actually feel relief. It’s so so sad and I miss her, but it is what it is and no amount of feeling sorry for myself can change it. Now I’m not talking about anyone else’s grief, or story, so please don’t feel that you should feel as I do, this is personal and it’s took a long time, but I’m at peace. I still wonder what it would be like to see her now, how life might be different, how the kids would be with her, but that’s where it stops now. I don’t live in this middle ground where I’m still hoping and wishing she’d come back, or that someone could be held accountable for missing her diagnosis for so long, or that life should throw us a life jacket as we’ve had it too tough for too long. It is what it is.
Now my life is about mindfully living in the present, The here and now. I plan for the future and that is always important, but the memories for today need to be made too.
So go hug those people you love and tell them, make friends with those you miss, cut out those who don’t bring positivity, be kind and live your best life
Ps how pretty was my mum?