Saturday I had my hair cut and was feeling pretty much OK. I was so looking forward to my therapy today and coming out feeling revitalised and focussed.
Well I’m not feeling as I had hoped! Over the last 6 weeks I’ve longed for the moment that I headed back into that room to start unloading. I got lots off my chest, talked about the hiccups and shared how pleased I was with some of my wise mind thinking (DBT technique), but then I came home…
So I need to off load and I’ve not done a bleurgh of a blog for some time. I started blogging for therapy, to unload. It’s meant to help me but if it helps anyone else to know they’re not alone, then even better. So here it is..
I came home from my first therapy back and got into bed. I felt like I’d had a great session, but I know there were reasons I was behind. You see when I got back from holiday, I’d forgotten to re-order my prescription. Always drives me mad that I need to remember. Meds are surely something that should be at least scheduled for those of us who need them. So I’ve gone 2 nights without them, which means no sleep for two nights. (I’ve got them now and I’ll be back on them tonight).
I got in bed and I felt cold, maybe it is a little colder today, but it was more than that. I felt unwell, cloudy headed, tired and cold. I nodded off with my daughter beside me and had a full 60 minute nap. When I woke I thought I’d be feeling better, but I wasn’t. I woke up and I was anxious, really anxious. I felt flushed, like you often do, or at least I do after an unplanned nap. I pulled my daughter close who was laughing away to a YouTube channel of young kids. I watched with her for a little while and then she wanted to go and play.
Suddenly I felt alone. I was in the house, with both kids and I felt alone. I was scared. And now I was jumping. I came downstairs to sit on the sofa but by now my legs were going ten to the dozen. My usual signs that I’ve left it too long.
I tried to use my headspace app but I’d gone too far. I use this regularly but it’s only this month I have now decided to sign up to the monthly subscription. I need to regulate my time with it. It’s been so useful, but I forget. I will do a full blog on it soon. Especially my goto Beachcomber sleep-cast! I highly recommend that for regulating my sleeping usually too
But that’s the problem with most of the techniques in mental health wellness, they work because of being used consistently. It’s a bit like my steroid inhaler for my asthma. Some days I could do without it, even longer sometimes, but eventually I’ll have an asthma attack. The daily preventer does exactly that, builds up a protective layer and keeps my chest in good health.
My husband came home and got me up and out of bed. He’s become so good at dealing with me when my anxiety flairs. He made me a cup of hot tea and sat me on the sofa. He notices before me that I’m fidgeting and foot tapping. Again this is one of my external and visual signs that I’m not coping very well. We both keep lots of the advice guides from the Mind website handy, this is the one he used today and I will probably keep in check the next few days!
I’m not really sharing this tonight to give any advice or a solution, because I know that tonight that’s not possible. I can minimise my symptoms and recharge. I’ve gone too far this time, let too many of my vulnerabilities out there in the open, I’m run down, exhausted, not eating properly, I’ve not made self-care time, I’ve not planned my time, not had headspace time for mindfully meditating. I know all this works, but it’s a time thing. I need to make them all a part of my life and my routine again.
I’m sharing this to say I’m not there yet… I’m not fixed! It’s a process, I’m so much further than I was, but it’s ok to have a bad day. I recognise now what the signs, just sometimes I still miss it. So tonight…
It’s switch off time, cup of tea time, back on medication time, blanket time and maybe the start of a new boxset. Tomorrow is a new day and I know I’ll be better after a full nights sleep. I’m not broken… I’m just in a process