I’ve said it so many times before but for some people my anxiety is hard to see. Put me on a stage in front of 1000 people and I’m ok. I know it sounds daft but I am. I remove my glasses so everyone isn’t clear, but I can do it. I have a few nerves, but overall I can cope.
Place me in a small room when I’m next to a couple of people, family, colleagues, even friends and the anxiety rocks up on time. I can’t always explain it, but I’ll try.
I’ve spoken before how that day, just one hour, I can be anyone. I can be confident, funny, sassy, assertive to an extent. I’ll have planned what I’m saying, I’ll be prepared. I’ve talked before about my chameleon like qualities on a previous blog, you can read it here. I don’t oboe why but it doesn’t bother me as much. I can blur out the faces, I can’t see the reactions, the judgements, I probably won’t see the majority of them ever again. Does it really matter what they think?
Put me at a table with 5 people and I’m a wreck. I can see the looks, did they just roll their eyes, when I asked a question did they sigh? The inner monologue begins and it’s exhausting. Most people probably have no feelings towards me what so ever. But I have to make them love me. There’s only love and hate it my eyes. If they don’t love me, they must hate me. And it’s horrible. I can sit for hours, not concentrating, not enjoying, not learning, not mindfully being in the moment… why? Because I’m trying to think of ways I can make each person at this table, like me, love me. They won’t.
I feel I need to be a drinker with the drinkers, early to bed for the more sensible, I need to be funny for those who have thave energy, but I need to try to be quiet and not talk too much for those people who prefer that. Not take up all the talking time. I need to not be shy, but not arrogant. Do I want to be seen as a role model mum, or one with real life struggles. Are my struggles real or are they too far fetched? Are my stories funny and endearing or embarrassing and annoying. Phew…
I’m exhausted writing this and yet… most family meals out, group training or a night out with more than a couple of friends… this is my head. It’s a different kind of anxiety when you have EUPD, emotionally Unstable Personality disorder, it’s a fear of being judged and then an irrational fear of losing those people or other extreme consequences.
My therapy is helping, but over a month out of it before I go back on Monday and I need it. I feel a bit like I’m running on an empty charge, my battery is low and after an initial wobble before driving down, the following day I had another. The first anxiety attack in many many months.
Let me talk to 50 people over 1 or 2 people any day! Let me present over spontaneously chatting all day long!
But it’s done. I did it. I survived. And I learnt so much. About how to help more people, about myself, about my business and how to become a better leader. I’m so excited for August & the rest of 2019! I also was offered the most incredible, personal support, care and love, from my mentors, trainers, my senior regional manager and my peers. I’m ready!
Let’s go 🙌🏻