So it’s Friday and I made it. Yey! My usual anxiety before Mother’s Day didn’t hit but I’ve struggled this week. We also have a weekend of family celebrations and this month is the anniversary of her passing, so it’s all feeling a little raw.
I’d been doing so well and especially with a break in therapy, there’s no wonder I’m dipping a little. I find gatherings, parties and group events hard. I’m sure I’m not important enough for everyone to be talking about me but I just feel so anxious that I overtalk and get really worked up before going. I sometimes spoil it for myself and others, so it’s a constant battle as to whether I should go to the event or not. Sometimes I feel like I get it wrong if I go or not so I might as well just stay in my safe place. I don’t advise this, you have to get out there, but sometimes it feels too much.
I feel like I’m failing at the moment. My diary skills have gone to pot and I’m forever forgetting appointments, birthdays and double booking events. The truth is I’d rather just be in my house for 99% of them, but I know how frustrated people get with me when I do that. It’s actually easier to go somewhere with people who I’ll never see again sometimes. I can be the real me, because if they don’t like me they don’t have to see me again. Sometimes I feel more free and less anxious with strangers than I do with family and friends.
That being said I’m missing my friends terribly. I have some amazing new friends, but my besties will always be my little group from when I was 18. I’ve lost touch with a couple and the others are scattered about from London to the Scottish Borders. I’d give anything to be able to pop in and see them for a brew or a wine and put the world to rights. I’d give anything tonight for Kirsty to come round with a bottle of wine and sit up talking rubbish. I’d love to see my mum for half an hour, for her to hug me and tell me she’s proud of me and wipe my tears.
It’s ok to not be ok, for it doesn’t feel ok. I feel sad and I don’t want to.
Tonight I’m hugging one of my girls that little bit tighter as her sisters on a sleepover. I think I just needed to vent a bit tonight. So it’s not the prettiest or most beautifully written blogs, it’s not clever or witty. It’s just real and raw and I’m finding it tough.
Tomorrow is a new day and I won’t give in xx