I can’t say that the last few years have been fun on this particular day. One way or another I’ve managed to spoil what should be a lovely family day. It’s often been my own ridiculously high expectations, of a day that will somehow not be filled with me thinking of my mum, which is spent with me desperately missing her. One of my most heartfelt blogs was “who is Mother’s Day for”… you can take a look here. I find Mother’s Day such a poignant day, more so than any other occasion, anniversary or birthday.
I don’t think I’m special I’ll promise you that. I know that so many spend tomorrow without their mother’s, or worse their children, but sadly I haven’t dealt with things the way I should. It’s not for a lack of trying, let me tell you. I couldn’t possibly try self referring anymore than I have, only to be turned down at each organisation because I’m a bit too mentally unwell. Bereavement counsellors can’t counsel me due to my condition and I’m on a waiting list for therapy for that too.
I miss my mum but I always will, but now I have to be a mum and grandma to these two beauties who I know she loved and adored… look how little they were…
If this is your first time to my blog… welcome. I have borderline Personality Disorder, also known as emotionally Unstable Personality disorder. I feel the latter explains me better. Borderline is meant to mean on the border of psychosis. I far prefer being emotionally unstable as a tag!
This means I have an irrational fear (amongst other symptoms) of being abandoned or left, I’m convinced that people despise me when they don’t reply to a text or that when they are mad at me (which everyone is entitled to be), they are secretly plotting to end my life. So I spend most of my time desperately and pathetically trying to buy their affection and time. I fail at this for many reasons. I seek constant reassurance to the point where even those closest to me become annoyed with what to them seems relentless attention seeking. The problem is having lost so many people so close to me so quickly, the irrational fear is well… not that irrational.
For example, usually my anxiety, associated with my condition, can mean I cancel plans etc and can act impulsively. Although this week I haven’t left the house in 5 days. But when I’m unwell I let everything slip, including my calendar skills which aren’t great at the best of times. Double booking. My favourite! I couldn’t do this more if I tried, in fact I think sometimes people think I do. What’s worse is I’ll often be so worried about what everyone will think, I drop everything, sit at hone being a martyr and miss all engagements. Then I wallow in self pity about how I missed out. And I get the dreaded FOMO… fear of missing out!
Sorry I’m getting off point. Tonight’s blog is actually more of a celebration than it sounds. I’ve been out of the house today, the first time all week and I had my hair done. Properly done. I’ve gone back to my brunette roots after years as a blondey. I left my house, sat in the hairdressers and felt ok. It was fine. It usually is.
Tonight I’m laid in my bed, as opposed to this time last year I was in hospital due to giving up on myself, I wrote a blog shortly after this, you can read it here to see how far I’ve come. It was the most awful weekend. I have been so anxious about this weekend, terrified to go out but petrified of being alone.
This Mother’s Day, we are off out … fingers crossed… as I won a Mother’s Day meal for 4 at the Botanist in Sheffield. I’m going to do my very best to get up, get ready and have a lovely day as my beautiful girls and my husband deserve it. My mum will be in my thoughts all day and I’m sure I’ll raise a large pink gin to her… love you always mum
Whoever you are, wherever you are, if you’ve found my blog, I’m thankful. I know there are those of you out there without your mum, those of you without your child. I know too there are those of you about to have children or wanting them and unable to do so. I’ll be thinking of all of you tomorrow. It won’t change anything but please know you are never alone. The world would not be the same without you