anxiety, Bereavement, blogging, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, illness, mental health, mind, Personality Disorder, planning, self harm, Uncategorized

An “episode”

Last week I had a build up of my EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) symptoms. Nothing I could really put my finger on but I could recognise some of the symptoms

  • Very tired, falling asleep even during the day
  • Headaches not clearing
  • Wanting to stay in my safe place
  • Acting impulsively, making plans and cancelling plans
  • Overthinking beyond my normal insecurities
  • Very forgetful
  • Lack of concentration, unable to switch off even for a TV programme

These are just a few of the things I have spotted now with hindsight. I also looked at what triggers could have made an impact

  • Holiday blues after returning from a sunny relaxing climate
  • Family events coming up with conflicting dates
  • Mother’s Day approaching
  • Starting on my next university assignment
  • Physical illness
  • Mental health illness and suicide being in the news

The hardest part for me is trying to decide what to do in these situations. Part of me wants them to whisk me away and put me in hospital for a few days to regulate my medication, and get me back in a stable routine. Right now I’d love someone to take over my medication and routine. Meals, drinks, medication, sleep, exercise, washing, everything, I’m so out of sync.

Another part of me wants to fight through. My only way of doing this usually is to set more goals, more deadlines, more pressure so I don’t have time to think or stop. I just keep adding more so the To Do list and goal list is never in immediate reach. I procrastinate like mad over things that need doing like housework, but I’ll spend hours planning for months in advance.

There’s the other part that just wants to get in bed, I don’t want anyone to know how I feel, I want to hide it. I want to hide away. Surely sleeping for a couple of hours and I’ll be fine. I’m not having a relapse. It’s a bad day, or week or month.

But right now this is me. My head is full, so full and my brain is cloudy. I can’t think or plan or concentrate. A decision feels like it will tear me in half. I’ve lost confidence in my own reasoning and I want to be looked after, left to not be thinking how to get well but to be supported to become well. I’m tired, so tired, even though I slept.

This weekend I had an “episode”. This is one of my warnings. During a conversation I was made aware how fast I was speaking, I spoke jumping about from topic to topic and at several points what I said didn’t make sense. Sentences weren’t completed and I didn’t know what I was doing or saying. It’s scary. I felt completely disassociated from what was happening.

What scares me most is this…

  • I’m not sick enough to require emergency urgent care
  • I’m too sick to just go get a counsellor on the NHS self referral

So I’ve made an appointment with my GP, (3 weeks time as they are too busy), texted my CPN (Clinical Psychiatric Nurse) who is coming out to my house. I’ve run out of my medication, something I always do when I become mentally unwell as I forget everything. I have reached out. I have told those around me I don’t feel good and now I have to preserve with my symptoms and triggers to push through. Sometimes it’s like running, that brick wall you hit when you can’t breathe or feel sick. You know if you push through it you’ll feel amazing, you’ll carry on til the next wall and you know you can do it. Other times you just don’t push through, you want to, you know you can, you just don’t. You feel like you’re back at square 1. You failed. You can’t do it. You’re rubbish. Why do you even try? And the things you think and tell yourself send you into a deeper downwards spiral.

I have hope, I’m aiming to push through and do my best.

Sarah x

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