I made it, I can’t tell you yet that I enjoyed it or that I got anything out of it, but I did it.
I came home actually feeling less positive and more helpless. I spent the whole group trying to answer questions in the right way, because it’s a group. I don’t want to get anything wrong. I didn’t want to be the one talking too much (I know…) but it was also deathly quiet so it felt hard to not say anything, especially when they wanted interaction.
It was hard.
When I first entered the room I was the last one to arrive, even though I was still early, everyone else was earlier. They’d all be dropped off or knew the parking situation and I hadn’t and the roads had been closed.
There was one seat in the middle of the only room, 6 other women and a man sat there. There were 3 female nurses in the room with us. The room was tiny, so tiny, I felt like I was sat on top of everyone else.
One of the first activities within a few minutes meant we had to close our eyes. As I tried to focus on my breath, I couldn’t find it, I fought it and then I couldn’t breathe at all. My eyes filled and my forehead poured with sweat, those few minutes where I was in that room of strangers, crying, I’ve never felt more alone or time padding so slowly. It felt like an hour. My hands were palming each other, I kept trying to sit on them but couldn’t keep still. My feet were meant to touching the floor, I was meant to be grounded and yet they were tapping and twitching faster than ever before.
I will go back it’s just going to be harder than I thought