Tomorrow I meet my new CPN and I have to admit I’m quite nervous. I’ve been stable and reasonably well for some time now. Of course I’ve had the odd off day, but overall I’ve been coping well. I’m so worried that if it’s not as I expect, it will throw me off. I shouldn’t idealise these events, but I often do without thinking.
It’s fine telling me not to worry, what will be will be and that’s ok, but as I’ve said previously, due to my borderline personality disorder, my clinical psychiatric nurse (CPN) has a lot to do with my treatment and care. I was fortunate with my last nurse who took so much off my hands and cared for so many aspects of my health, medication and treatment, I didn’t need to worry about it. If my medication was wrong or delayed, she would fix it, even fetch it on occasions. She went beyond the call of duty and I became reliant on some of this assistance.
My new nurse shouldn’t have to do these extra things which helped me so much previously. I shouldn’t have medication changes, or admin errors, but I do. It’s not her responsibility to fix it, but my last nurse did so much.., hence my last blog on attachment issues here, but I’m focusing on the past.
Instead of worrying what could happen, what might happen or even what should happen, I need to think positively. I’m well. I’m facing my fears and living my best life (sorry for the cliche), but it’s true.
So as I’ve written this all down, I’ve given myself a shake… I’m still worried, but I’m not going to postpone or cancel, and I’m not even going to worry about it all night (ok maybe a little bit). I’ve emptied my brain in this brain dump blog tonight, I’ll highlight anything I might need to discuss with her, including my concerns over a brand new relationship with her, and see it as a fresh opportunity for a relationship. I’ve taken back more of a foothold, I’ve got more confidence and more skills.
I’m actually excited because apart from just meeting her, she’s going to be preparing me for my Dialectal Behavioural Therapy (DBT) , which starts next week (another blog to follow on this).
So for tonight, I’m going to #netflixandchill as they say
There will be a follow up blog tomorrow to let you know how it went if you’re interested xx