In my support group last week, we talked about the attachment issues. As someone with borderline personality disorder I would acknowledge this has always been an issue, but it’s only when you focus on it you can see the pattern. I do however have a massive issue with rejection, an irrational fear of losing people, and some bizarre feeling that if I try really hard they’ll some how come back into my life. I really do and imagine it most days.
I had shared my fear of losing my CPN in my group and just 3 days later, she told me I would be getting a different nurse. A handover will be provided, she won’t leave me hanging, but I’ll be honest, I’m heartbroken. I’ve completely misjudged, once again, how much I depend on one person. I’ve become so reliant on someone that I shouldn’t and rely on her being there.
It’s taken me a long time to build up any trust with my healthcare providers, but she had managed it. Most of the time she feels like the only one person who knows how to deal with me, but also who understands me. I’ve been lucky too because she’s gone out of her way, gone the extra mile and genuinely has changed my life over the last year. But without realising it, I’ve placed her on a pedestal, a pedestal where life can’t exist without her (rational me knows fully well it will be fine, but she’s not around right now, I’ve got the anxious annoying inner voice).
I also am aware that with my condition, a very high percentage are frequently sectioned and 1 in every 10 takes the own life, with 80% trying at least once. It’s a frightening condition, with frightening symptoms and statistics, and your CPN is a major player in how you’re cared for. (At this point I’ll add I have never been sectioned thankfully and again rational Sarah knows I might never be… I hope she shows up soon)… So I worry about re-starting the building up of this relationship now I have a diagnosis. I was handed to Cheryl, pre-diagnosis, been handed over with my diagnosis terrifies me…
Google it… google it now if you can… it’s rarely pleasant the symptoms or behaviours it throws up, but I try so hard to not be those things, probably so hard that I end of being some of those things anyway.
“Borderline personality disorder”
The NHS isn’t too bad … here
The four areas are:
emotional instability – the psychological term for this is “affective dysregulation”
disturbed patterns of thinking or perception – “cognitive distortions” or “perceptual distortions”
intense but unstable relationships with others
And they’re just the good bits … lol… (awkward silence…)
I have to learn a way of having a “normal” relationship and my first DBT, group therapy, starts in January. When I’ve accessed this therapy for long enough, I may even be able to start bereavement therapy. I need to learn this so my children don’t also learn to idolise others so much that they don’t trust themselves.
So I’m gutted this week that my nurse is leaving, yes I’ll be fine, yes there are people worse off, yes I need to grow up… but hopefully the next one will be just as caring and protective and not lock me up and throw away the key, because as exaggerated as that sounds, right now I’m terrified that could happen. So I’m not quite on the ball, I’ll promise something, then forget, I’m double booking, then heading to bed. It’s not you … it’s me.
Give me the weekend and I’ll be back to my normal self xx
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