A bad day used to turn my week into a wreck, like a train spiralling off track. I hated the feeling of letting someone down, especially those I cared about and respected and would push and push until eventually I crashed. I’d agree to more and more things, believing I could do everything and always wanted to. The pressure I put on everything and myself to be “The Best” meant anything less counted as a failure.
Since working with my CPN (Clinical Psychiatric Nurse) I’ve changed. On a bad day, I still sometimes have to head to bed to sleep (today is one of those days), my head is pounding, there are many upcoming conflicting schedules and events arising and suddenly it all becomes to much. I’ve had an emotional week for many reasons and having talked through some of it today my head told me to STOP! And I did. I didn’t override it, I still felt a little guilty, but I decided I have to remember why I left work, why I blog, why I try to talk about my mental health and why I’m fighting for better provisions and resources, because I often gave poor mental health and a mental health illness. My illness is Borderline Personality Disorder and Generalised Anxiety Disorder.
The truth is, it does all become to much. I haven’t got the skills to deal with everything yet and I’m still building up my coping strategies. So I might let somebody down, that might be you. I’m sorry. Know that I don’t mean to and my intentions are good. So there’s 3 people who I focus on when I’m re-prioritising. My husband and daughters. If I have plans with you when I go through these times, I might cancel and avoid events, still taking part in activities with these three because they are my world.
I promise at some point in the future I’ll make it up to friends and others around me. I have this week decided to postpone the Wellbeing event next month and move it to next year. I’ve had to change some things around so I can still have time to go out with my family, one of my October mini goals.
If I don’t fulfil everything I’ve told you I will, please don’t take it personally. If I’m rearranging coffee, cancelling lunch again or postponing a meeting or an event and saying I’ll be there next, I will. You are important to me, just maybe not at the top of this list right now. My children and my health come before everything and these next few days it’s for them