This week I had my quarterly session with my psychiatrist & together we made some big decisions. I can’t say it’s been an easy few weeks, accepting the condition & realising at this moment I can’t just be “normal”. People have gone out of their way to help & support me, but when I fail, I just feel extra guilt for letting them down.
So with great sadness I left my job this week to focus on my recovery. It was the best place I have ever worked. Every day everyone was helping other people. Everyone was so friendly, hardworking & caring, it has shown me there’s a whole new way to work, where people do incredible things, help others & enjoy doing it. I hope one day, when well I can return to work here or in a place that helps those most vulnerable in society, to feel more included.
I have never not worked, not ever, but the time has come for me to get myself well in order to continue being a good mum. I’ll find bits & pieces I can do at home, but for the time being it’s all about health. My medications are going to be changed consistently over the next 6 months to find the right dose of the new ones. Hopefully I’ll have my assessment for DBT soon, & therefore start before the end of the year.
I have learnt a lot in the last year since my diagnosis in January, but this month, I have learnt about acceptance, having to make hard decisions & realised that above all else being a mum, a well mum, is my only responsibility. And that I can’t do everything that “normal people” can do. I struggle with the smallest of things & worry beyond silliness. I have reduced much of the anxiety in my life & I will continue to do this by adding health, fitness & wellbeing.
I’m sorry for commitments I have made & not kept, but that doesn’t make me a bad person. I’m sorry for trying things over & over, I won’t ever stop trying but I am going to stop trying everything for now. I’m going to see my friend. I’m going to have a weekend of chatting & laughing, mostly at myself.
I’m sure I’ll be writing lots more soon, but for now it’s time to be ME! Just me. You won’t all like me, I’m very sure of that, but I’ll know I’m being ME! And that sparkle will soon be back in my eye 💚