This is my 6 years ago, fun loving & free. I’m aiming to get back on a swing this year!
Having had anxiety for a while, alongside the borderline personality disorder, I had made assumptions as to what my triggers must be. Things I thought were triggers:
- Large crowds
- New people
- New places
- Social media
- Working under pressure
- Being busy
Things that have since realised give me anxiety due to borderline personality disorder & are different from just anxiety. Lots of my triggers are around being with people I know or see regularly through fear of being judged & criticised. So my actual triggers include:
- Seeing the same people regularly
- Judgement by people I know, love & respect
- Lack of doing something important
- Feeling not good enough
- Working without pressure, deadlines & targets
Two of my biggest triggers:
- Conflicting information from two people I know, love & respect
My CPN, husband, kids, sisters, Dad, friends, work colleagues are people that if they differ in an opinion I’m screwed. If two of these people have different opinions, that’s it! Mind… blown! Someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong, & after the hours I spend choosing, I then (for a short period of time) believe that everything that person has said to me is wrong!
- Being asked to change “who I am” even though they are doing it to help
This simply increases the time I spend judging myself & gives my inner voice more validation for why I’m rubbish. I don’t mean the jokes, I need them so don’t stop, I need to have the mickey taken & laugh. I still need inviting out, being told going for a walk etc would be good. (One time I will go out for that walk, or go for coffee, or meet up for dinner). It’s when I’m told to change me, it triggers my anxiety:
- Stop being sensitive
- Stop bottling things up
- Stop oversharing
- Don’t go into yourself & quiet
- Stop being so loud
- Stop being so serious
- Stop making everything a joke
- Stop being silly
- Try harder
- Stop trying so hard
- Don’t overthink things
- You should think things through more
- Think about other people
- Think about yourself
I spend so much time thinking over what I should and shouldn’t be doing, it’s exhausting. I won’t tell you how I feel or that I’m upset or worried. I’ll rarely disagree with you. I’ll suck up to you & basically agree with everything you say. I’m people pleaser, I’ll even compromise or change what I’m thinking, not just say it, I’ll really assume I’m wrong & change how I think.
I’m annoying, we all know that. I’m loud & talk too much. I’m a worrier, especially over illness. Im too sensitive, anxious & hate confrontation. I sit on the fence. I tell too many people too much about me. I sleep a lot, way more than I should, but my tablets and my anxiety wear me out. I’m frustratingly stubborn.But, and there is a but and thankfully those who know me, stick around for the but, I also think I’m kind, I have a big heart, I’d do anything for anyone, I try to be funny (often unsuccessfully, but laugh at me instead), I have created & raised two children who are amazing (also annoying & loud)! When I’m well & not worrying about how I come across or how I’ve being judged or perceived, I’m really good at some things too. Things like, meeting new people, being social, organising, managing projects, helping others, arranging events, managing diaries, blogging, supporting & motivating others, managing teams, trying to make changes happen on bigger scales.
Even as I’m writing this I’m thinking, who will read it? Will they think I mean them & be offended? (I can promise you I don’t mean you). Shall I delete that? Should I just delete it all? My braining is spinning.
So “this is me” sorry to steal the cliche, but it is. I’m hard work, you’ll definitely want to & need to have a moan about me behind my back, and I will learn, with therapy to improve my reactions, the way I handle situations & deal with my emotions, but until then you just have to make a choice. You. Not me.
- You can choose to stay close by and watch as I get help & treatment.
- You can wait in the wings (I’ll understand), and hopefully I’ll see you on the other side.
- Or you can walk away, no-one will judge or blame you. You don’t need to be in my life because you feel guilty or pity for me.