blogging, Borderline Personality Disorder, illness, mental health, parenting, Uncategorized, writer

Should my physical or mental health come first?

After 10 weeks my eardrum should have healed, but has it? No! It did seem to be getting better, but somehow over the last couple of weeks it’s become infected again & now it feels like the whole process is starting again, and my anxiety just makes that worse.

I put off going back to the doctors thinking it was just me, but when I eventually went they confirmed my suspicions & dished out another road of antibiotics & painkillers. I’m laid with a hot water bottle presses against my ear, having now taken day 6 of a 7 day course of antibiotics & it’s no better. So I’m am just laid, thinking. And this kind of thinking is never productive, positive or good in any form.

Struggling to eat proper meals again, go out in the breeze, that cold blow just causes pain like ice cream on a sensitive tooth. I hate feeling physically ill because it’s another of my triggers for anxiety. I begin to worry about

  • Being lazy
  • Missing work
  • The worst case scenario
  • Remedies & self help
  • Googling home remedies
  • Being stuck in the house
  • Being ill
  • Side effects
  • The on going process of being unwell
  • I hate it. I seem to constantly be run down with chest infections, perforated ear drums & sinus problems. All concentrated in my head, and so the headaches just make my ever thinking mind just want to switch off. Sleep is the only time I feel anxious free. The doctor tried to put my mind at rest with the fact that the surgery I will probably need is minor, as it states here, but of course I’ll only focus on the complications & risks & just want to feel better without surgery.
  • I can put on a good face, I’ve had a lifetime of practice, but I sometimes the mask slides & I feel so vulnerable like one sick day could lose me everything. I can feel an anxiety building as the physical pain worsens, the mental torment increases. I can’t bare to be ill after such a positive few weeks. I hate feeling ill & wondering when it will stop & I’ll just feel better!
  • I’ve also had to postpone my Clinical Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) visit by 2 weeks in favour of seeing my GP for medication for my ear. This is when I struggle most, when I have to choose between physical & mental health, wellbeing & family, work & being rundown.
  • I’m sure after a sleep & some more painkillers I’ll feel better, but for now I’m feeling sorry for myself again!
  • 2 thoughts on “Should my physical or mental health come first?”

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