Borderline Personality Disorder, mental health, parenting, Uncategorized

Don’t stop trying to stop!

This morning I’ve woken up, feeling fairly low. It’s been there for a week or so now, gradually growing, turning from a general lethargy into a downright depressive mood. Who knows what factors & triggers have been involved. I came name two though, guilt & failure.

Once again quitting smoking hasn’t been as easy as I had thought. I’m still longing for one & at least 3 days this week I’ve had one. What I sometimes find hard is, I know I’m failing, but it’s the guilt & pressure of letting family & friends down that makes it worse. When your just a “smoker” people might moan a little or even judge, but little is said. As soon as you quit or “try to quit” everyone & their favourite domesticated pet is disappointed in you & of course for you. Now I do understand this is through care, love & ranting me to succeed. But so do I. I want to be healthy, not dependant on a substance & believe me I beat myself up every time I light one. I hate the days when I still need to take a diazepam through anxiety, even though just a few weeks ago I was taking 7 a day! But if I have to take 5 or 6 in a week now I count that as failure, letting myself, my kids & everyone else who cares about me down. The same as instead of having 15 cigarettes a day, I might have that in a week, but still I’ve not stopped so I’m basically failing.

You see for me, until I have the skills I’m still All or Nothing. Currently “trying” to do the below:

  • Be a better mum
  • Quit smoking
  • Start a fitness regime
  • Eat better, diet
  • Reduce my medication
  • Keep working a part-time job
  • Work on tools as part of my recovery until 2020 when I can have treatment

I’m fully aware all of these are priorities, everyone tells me so. They all all tell me that I shouldn’t do them all at once… and as someone who (taken from the Mind website on Borderline Personality Didorder) has or is

• You feel very worried about people abandoning you, and would do anything to stop that happening.

• You have very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days and can change quickly (for example, from feeling very happy and confident to suddenly feeling low and sad).

• You don’t have a strong sense of who you are, and it can change significantly depending on who you’re with.

• You find it very hard to make and keep stable relationships.

• You feel empty a lot of the time.

• You act impulsively and do things that could harm you (such as binge eating, using drugs or driving dangerously).

• You often self-harm or have suicidal feelings.

• You have very intense feelings of anger, which are really difficult to control.

• When very stressed, you may also experience paranoia or dissociation.

It’s hard to pick a priority to start with. So you try them all, then slowly realise you’re doing a bit of each, not very well, so you stop trying, becoming the victim I don’t want to be, of my own thoughts. I do have some control, but the above factors do not help. My brain doesn’t work like yours. Yes I should be able to have self control, stop my anxiety, not be fearful of everyone around me leaving or dying, not make rash impulsive decisions, but I do. Sometimes I can help it, sometimes I want to, but I don’t have the tools yet to put it in place. It doesn’t mean I’m not trying. I really am. Every day, so hard. And I won’t stop trying, I can promise you that, but please don’t be angry with me when I don’t achieve the “stop” or “start” I’d intended & wanted.

I will do it, I’ll do it all, just with time!

8 thoughts on “Don’t stop trying to stop!”

  1. Remember that BDP’s have incredibly harsh intrusive thoughts about ourselves so try not to beat yourself up. My therapist has given me a list of things to do to distract from doing something self destructive. Happy to share with you if you’re interested. The other thing that is helping me immensely is Yoga. If there are no good classes near you or you don’t have the time there is an amazing website called Movement for Modern Life which has loads of yoga practices for all levels and is free for the first month. Keep writing – you’re amazing

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Sian & yes I agree. I’d love you to send any distractions over. I’m on the list for DBT but it’s quite a wait. I’ve also been thinking about yoga so I’ll check out that website too. Thank you x


    2. I’m revising the list today with my therapist as it happens because she is away for much of the summer break.
      Mindfulness – being aware of what is driving your urge to engage in self destructive behaviour – being rather than doing:there is a great website called ‘The Mindfulness Summit’

      Distracting with activities: calling a friend, watching a favourite film, tv show, writing, going for walk/ run, music, I love the enchanted garden range of mindfulness colouring books.
      Do something nice for someone, try and create a different emotion, intensify other sensations: ice cubes, loud music, squeeze something.

      Do you have a supportive friend you can call if you feel like smoking or doing something else destructive?
      Also remember that we are battling an exhausting disorder and that we are trying our best every day.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. So true. Thank you for your kind words & lovely ideas. Ice cubes I’ve used before so that’s a good one & I’m just trying to get back into mindfulness. It was working, til I stopped doing it 🤦🏼‍♀️. But getting there now. Thank you x


  2. You and your daughter are beautiful. Question… what are you trying to replace smoking with? In other words, it is a tool to cope with something. What can you do instead that is healthier?

    Liked by 1 person

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