Don’t stop trying to stop!

This morning I’ve woken up, feeling fairly low. It’s been there for a week or so now, gradually growing, turning from a general lethargy into a downright depressive mood. Who knows what factors & triggers have been involved. I came name two though, guilt & failure.

Once again quitting smoking hasn’t been as easy as I had thought. I’m still longing for one & at least 3 days this week I’ve had one. What I sometimes find hard is, I know I’m failing, but it’s the guilt & pressure of letting family & friends down that makes it worse. When your just a “smoker” people might moan a little or even judge, but little is said. As soon as you quit or “try to quit” everyone & their favourite domesticated pet is disappointed in you & of course for you. Now I do understand this is through care, love & ranting me to succeed. But so do I. I want to be healthy, not dependant on a substance & believe me I beat myself up every time I light one. I hate the days when I still need to take a diazepam through anxiety, even though just a few weeks ago I was taking 7 a day! But if I have to take 5 or 6 in a week now I count that as failure, letting myself, my kids & everyone else who cares about me down. The same as instead of having 15 cigarettes a day, I might have that in a week, but still I’ve not stopped so I’m basically failing.

You see for me, until I have the skills I’m still All or Nothing. Currently “trying” to do the below:

• Be a better mum
• Quit smoking
• Start a fitness regime
• Eat better, diet
• Reduce my medication
• Keep working a part-time job
• Work on tools as part of my recovery until 2020 when I can have treatment

I’m fully aware all of these are priorities, everyone tells me so. They all all tell me that I shouldn’t do them all at once… and as someone who (taken from the Mind website on Borderline Personality Didorder) has or is

• You feel very worried about people abandoning you, and would do anything to stop that happening.

• You have very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days and can change quickly (for example, from feeling very happy and confident to suddenly feeling low and sad).

• You don’t have a strong sense of who you are, and it can change significantly depending on who you’re with.

• You find it very hard to make and keep stable relationships.

• You feel empty a lot of the time.

• You act impulsively and do things that could harm you (such as binge eating, using drugs or driving dangerously).

• You often self-harm or have suicidal feelings.

• You have very intense feelings of anger, which are really difficult to control.

• When very stressed, you may also experience paranoia or dissociation.

It’s hard to pick a priority to start with. So you try them all, then slowly realise you’re doing a bit of each, not very well, so you stop trying, becoming the victim I don’t want to be, of my own thoughts. I do have some control, but the above factors do not help. My brain doesn’t work like yours. Yes I should be able to have self control, stop my anxiety, not be fearful of everyone around me leaving or dying, not make rash impulsive decisions, but I do. Sometimes I can help it, sometimes I want to, but I don’t have the tools yet to put it in place. It doesn’t mean I’m not trying. I really am. Every day, so hard. And I won’t stop trying, I can promise you that, but please don’t be angry with me when I don’t achieve the “stop” or “start” I’d intended & wanted.

I will do it, I’ll do it all, just with time!