I was laid awake, wide awake, a couple of years ago & when I headed to my CBT assessment which I had self referred, I showed the lady this text I had sent to my family & friends. She was quite alarmed & said that CBT wasn’t going to help. Since then I’ve just been waiting. Anxiety along with everything else is horrible!
A text I once sent:
I don’t know how or when it started, or got worse, or got worse again, but over the last month I’ve missed the kite runner, Work, nights out & a weekend in Birmingham. I have however been to work, had job interviews, got a new job, been on nights out & completed a half marathon. Sometimes I know why it’s easier, other times I don’t. On top of some other mental health issues, I was diagnosed with GAD, general anxiety disorder, at the beginning of this year. Sometimes I’m ok, but sometimes I worry. I worry about a lot & I thought it might help you for me to share it so you understand more, that firstly your not the only one I let down, but why. I’d love to do a big public Facebook message, but can’t deal with the judgement, so if I’ve sent this to you, no reply is needed, but I’ve let you down or cancelled or been weird & will probably be again so I want you to know why.
I worry when I’m not on my sofa, under a blanket, in my pjs, drinking tea & watching tv. Sometimes I get a lift, or a confidence boost, or I’ve been before, or the people I’m with know how crazy I am. Then sometimes for an hour or two I’m ok. But before, after & always during my head is going crazy… & these are just a few
about being tight, so I try to buy the first drinks, the shots, etc & then worry later I’ve spent to much
What I’m wearing, especially since the weight gain, one bad pic, one bad angle & I don’t wanna leave the house. Clothes are too tight, make me look fatter, make me sweat or chafe, too low cut, look cheap, don’t look nice.
That I’ll upset someone, my mouth runs away with me & I say something I don’t mean, or that comes out wrong. I make a joke that’s not funny. Or I go too far with OTT compliments so they don’t sound genuine. I come across as fake & trying too hard.
That I’ll be sober or get too drunk. It always used to be the latter, but I hardly drink now which is just as bad cos somehow that makes me mardy/ not myself/ boring.
I eat too much & too quick. I’m always first to finish. I’m greedy, but also when I’m eating I’m not thinking, which for me is amazing. When I’m tasting food I’m thinking about it & not worrying.
That I’m lonely & I am. I miss Kirsty & my mum more than anything I can explain. I am lonely & yet I often don’t want to see people – go figure?!
I’m at a bad Mum, cos one has a phone, judged for taking them to little mix who are provocative, they had headlice, they walk to school sometimes, we don’t go to the park very often.
For trying to do too much, work full-time, do a degree, deal with mental health, be a Mum, lose weight & get fit, walk Oscar twice a day, cook properly for kids.
That I can’t cook, cos I’m impatient so generally i rush it & make mistakes, same with a cup of tea. Generally if Nigel doesn’t make tea, I have cereal for meals.
Having an asthma attack again in public, being on oxygen & scaring the kids that someone else is ill.
Cancer & dying most days. I’m a complete hypercondriact. Because so many illnesses have been undetected in my family. Mums cancer, Nigel’s Mums heart, my detached retina, Lailas bronchialitus, Millie’s hole in her heart, Nigel’s dads cancer when they thought it was punctured lung, Nigel’s face when it broke him. I constantly think me or the kids are seriously ill.
Where I’ll get somewhere, how, where I’ll park, will I find them, have I got right date, right ticket, best offer, how do I leave when it’s too much?
So at 4am when I’m wide awake cos I think several people are mad with me right now. I’ve upset them etc. It’s not just you. I let everyone down. I don’t mean to, I don’t want to, but I do. I sleep in day instead of night & im still exhausted.
Sorry this has took you an hour to read lol & again, no reply needed. Just don’t be mad when I miss something. I don’t mean to. Right now I’m trying to find the best way to get through the days. Love you lots xxx