When we suffer from all kinds of mental health problems, it can change us, often into people we don’t want to be. What I also need to say at this point is that right now I’m in a great place, so if you’re reading it, please don’t think I’m wandering down the dark staircase, it’s more of an explanation of when I am. I’ve had the most wonderful weekend & it exceeding all expectations & hopefully these are positive steps moving forward.
We or at least I, can be consumed with guilt & fear of judgement, only to be told, “no-ones judging you”, “you’ve been through a lot” “we’re here for you”. The problem is whether people mean to or not, they do judge you. Everyone does. I don’t mean to, but I judge people. Yes sometimes we have been through a lot, but some feel they haven’t been through anything & others I know have been through things I can’t possibly imagine. I’ve been pretty fortunate really in my life & have an amazing husband & two daughters.
The other thing is that people can’t be there for you. They just can’t. Not really. Because generally the time you need people the most is the time of the most inconvenience, at 3am in a morning when you’ve woken up with a worry & can’t go back to sleep. You can drive yourself insane! But am I really going to pick up the phone to a friend & say,”sorry to wake you, but that conversation we had a week last Thursday, I didn’t mean to say the wrong thing & now I can’t sleep”, knowing rationally that they’ve probably not even thought about it, but you’ve spent the last 4 hours overanalysing it. But know that that one little slip up, could leave me thinking you’d be better off without me in your life & I have to use exercises from my CPN for hours to rationalise the situation. Imagine thinking that saying because I said the wrong name, made a joke about a dress, or jokingly calling someone tight, could leave me for hours thinking it would be better for everyone if I disappeared. It’s very silly & hard for anyone to understand who has never experienced that feeling.
The worst part is how selfish I can be. And believe me when I say, I’m becoming more aware, but it’s genuinely never intentional. The sad thing is that at times, I have felt like the world would be a better place without me, & I’ve also selfishly wanted the pain and endless head cycles to stop. At those times I’m irrational & I have believed I’m doing the best for others. I have drunk too much, not on purpose, but because I know I have to be somewhere when I want to be in bed under a duvet & the crippling anxiety is eating me up, until I’d rather be a numb & the life & soul of the party, without being sat in a corner thinking everyone is watching & judging me. The irony is, I don’t want to be drunk & when I am, people are more likely to be judging me. I can be manipulative, emotional, selfish & seemibly inconsiderate of those around me. The truth is, that at those times when that may be exactly what you’re thinking of me, those are the very times I think, if I can’t be “well sarah” there’d be better being “no sarah”.
Now I’m not in this place at the moment. I’ve had a wonderful few weeks since my holiday & wonderful family & friends around me supporting me every step. I guess the wedding brought up a few things, such as I had the inevitable cigarette. The ones I promised not to have. So I was 19 days smoke free, but today I’m back to 1 day smoke free. But as I’ve heard many times, a lapse is different to a relapse & I have no intention of being a smoker again. The guilt has eaten away at me today & I almost felt the need to confess.
So I guess this blog is just saying, please know I’m human, know I struggle & know that I’m becoming more aware of my behaviours with each session with my CPN or psychiatrist & of all my many flaws. But also know, you can’t say anything to me that I don’t know or think or worry about most days. I have enough guilt & anxiety & thinking, for each word I speak & each action I take. Advice is lovely. But the most lovely thing is often just love & a hug. I have medical professionals each week giving me the best advice they can & the right medication to help & secure me over the next 2 years before I hopefully start my DBT & become more in control of how to behave. Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder is not just anxiety, it’s not knowing how to behave. So I’m not pretending, I’m not attention seeking, I’m trying to learn & I want to be different, but it won’t happen overnight. I’ll do all I can before 2020, just try to love me in the meantime because I will make mistakes, I will annoy you, I will be selfish & I will mess up. But I am giving every piece of me to not being & trying my best & it’s exhausting. But I’m trying & I won’t give up!
Love you all, Sarah x