Borderline Personality Disorder

Patience… I want to get better at it quickly!

Learning to be patient has to be the hardest thing for those that arent naturally. I’m not naturally patient, probably the exact opposite & so my plan to become more patient, only works in my head, if I can do it yesterday! And instantly be a patience person, notice the problem?

I’ve always been a “I wanted it yesterday” “let’s get it today” type and so have struggled over the years with everything from decorating a room in the house, hearing about a blood test or job interview or waiting for the next holiday or project. Waiting for exam or blood results is one of my biggest triggers. I go to look for a new car & if I don’t drive one home that day within the hour, I’m back to being a mardy bum.

The problem is I constantly worry too. So whether it’s an hour, a day, a week or several months, I spend that time researching & calculating every outcome. Often there could be there’s thousands of outcomes, & of course I tend to focus on the negative possibilities as the most likely. For example when I had my hysterectomy, my ovaries were sent away for testing. There was nothing to indicate I should have anything to worry about. When I was in a rational frame of mind I was pretty sure, they were fine but for 4 weeks I rang every day, sometimes twice to ask if they had been examined and if cancer had been found or not. On some nights at 3am, I’d be planning on how I’d tell people, how I’d deal with cancer, how I’d help my husband find a new mum for my kids. My brain could wander that far!

Some people would say that having lost my mum to ovarian cancer a few months before, it’s understandable, but I can be like this when waiting to hear about anything. Like waiting for an email about a delivery of some new shoes, or a statement from the bank.

The only time I cherish patience is with my children. I’m so scared of how quickly time speeds by & how quickly they grow & change. This week we took my eldest daughter to her comprehensive school for preparation for her start in September. She was excited, I was terrified… I still see them both like this!

Under-planning or uncertainty are my biggest trigger points & can quickly descend into crisis. Not knowing the plan for the next 7 days, or if it changes I find it extremely difficult to deal with. But like with everything else I have to learn to change & develop new behaviours. I try to make small changes, like not rushing to the letterbox or chasing a phone call that may be a day late. I’m going to try to apply my thoughts of wanting to slow down my growing children to my life & trying to be more patient. I also think I have to learn to move with the flow, I can’t imagine that I’m going to manage to keep a 7 day perfect schedule with 2 daughters, one of which starting comprehensive school & the other one acting like she is. Tomorrow they’ll be bridesmaids for my sister, probably looking far too grown up for my liking!

So as I like to say, I have to make my nothing something & my everything something! I need to change the all or nothing. Small steps, creating small changes & developing new behaviours & turning them into habits! Clearly this won’t happen overnight, so bare with me, I’m working on patience! X

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