mental health

A week with a Personality Disorder and the toll it can take

This week has been a good, enough great week. For the first time in many weeks, I have done a “normal” week at work, working 20 hours, 3 days in the office, 1 at home. I was ecstatic. My new part time hours are really having an impact and it’s a positive one.

Secondly my diazepam has been reduced further this week, which although I have struggled, I have got through my first full week at the lower dosage

On Wednesday I went to my first Sports Day in about 3 years, having previously avoided it due to anxiety. I had a great time, embarrassing my kids by cheering them on & chatting with the other mums. My daughter also made this fab trailer for our event.

Yesterday was my day off for the week, the kids are on half-term now, so I was on it! Cleaned out their bedrooms, or helped, charity bags organised & delivered to Ashgate Hospice shop in the village. Collected my own prescriptions for the first time in ages. Coffee with a friend at the lounge, delivered & put up every last one of the 25 posters for next weeks event. Took the girls, with Nigel, to the cinema to see Marvel’s Infinity War & finished the day off with a McDonalds. I went to bed feeling good, satisfied & tired, but good.

This morning (with nothing in place except a lovely lie-in) I awoke just after 6 in a panic. I know I’d had a dream, or a nightmare but I couldn’t remember it. I thought I’ll be calm & rational, go downstairs, see to the dog, make a cup of tea & take my medication. So I did. I came back to bed with a book and basically on & off throughout the day I’ve slept. I’ve got a headache, sinus pain & blocked ears which isn’t helping so I’m going through decongestants like they are sweets. Even though I’ve showered, had an hour in the garden, seen Nigel’s family who called round & have done a little light housework, I’ve spent the rest of the day in bed & in & out of sleep. And so that horrible little voice is bank, my inner critic, who this week has found it difficult to speak up very often. We all have one, but today mine is giving me some grief:

  • You didn’t make training this week, & you’ve only just started back at karate! You’re such a let down
  • You’re not really poorly, you’re just lazy and don’t like being around people. You’re such a bad mum & wife
  • How are you going to cook the kids tea? You managed 3 meals for them this week that you made. Woo boo. There’s 21 Sarah! Thank god they didn’t starve
  • Those shorts you put on to go out in were tighter than usual. I knew you were fat, but you’ve really packed it on this last couple of weeks
  • Why do you think anyone is going to turn up to a last minute event you’ve run? Something that was a crazy thought at 3am one morning after an anxiety attack. You’re so self centred

And so I am in bed. I do have a cold (or think I do?!) & I am exhausted. So I’m going to listen to the end of my audio book and space out. I’m by far from perfect, but I’m learning. I had a good week & it’s tired me out a little, well a lot.

I often hear how cruel people are to each other & it’s been a long time since I’ve experienced this, but we are terribly cruel to ourselves. Today I told a few of my members of my group when I was there slimming world Comsultant, about my recent nomination & my interview on Toby Foster with BBC Radio Sheffield. The beautiful words & replies I have had, have had me in tears. There’s 5 days left to vote for me and although I know there are those that are far more deserving, the nomination meant so much, but to be shortlisted & attend the event would blow my mind. So if you haven’t voted yet & would like to please click here for the National Diversity Awards and it tells you my story & if you’d like to vote.

I am not all bad, maybe I need a rest day. And a rest day today, might make me a better person tomorrow. Please be kind to someone today. A few small messages have turned my mood around and you can probably do that for anyone in your life. A little card, text, gift or even a hug can be all it takes to make someone’s day. Be happy & be kind & if you’re in the area please come to our event on Friday, the Eckington Wellbeing Event – read the blog here!

Sarah x

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