mental health

Crippling anxiety

Some days, like yesterday & today, the only safe place for me to be as at home. It can be in bed or on the sofa, but leaving the front door is just too much. I can sort the kids, pack up their lunch, arrange their money for trips, work from home, but stepping out of the door is not an option. My blanket needs to be attached and I need to be safe.

Sometimes there may be a reason, today maybe remembering kirsty is it, but I don’t feel like that’s it. I don’t feel like there’s a reason. I just feel like I can cope with my home, but outside of that holds the unexpected that I’m not quite ready to try.

  • What if I can’t get parked
  • What if I have a panic attack
  • What if I upset someone or make a mistake at work
  • What if I lose my medication
  • What if I’m sick
  • What if I can a bug off someone else
  • What if I’m in an accident
  • What if I have as asthma attack
  • What if it’s all just too much

All these things and more on certain days are what stops me stepping out of the door. At home I am in control. I only need to see those I choose to, I have all my medication for both anxiety & asthma. I can concentrate on work without distraction or talking too loudly or oversharing my feelings through racing thoughts. At home I’m protected.

Tomorrow is a new day & this afternoon I will prepare to leave tomorrow the house

  • Pack all my medication
  • Pack my anxiety distraction kit
  • Take my earphones
  • Attend planned meetings
  • Plan, prepare & follow

Today is about being safe & getting my job done without making errors or being distracted.

Anxiety is real, sone days it can be barely visible, while other days it simply won’t leave any part of your body & brain. You get physical symptoms of pain in your chest, stomach & head. You can be breathless, sweaty & cloudy. You can also become sleepy & tired, so even without the other worries, you physically feel ill as well as mentally.

If you suffer from anxiety more frequently & it’s becoming more often, reach out, tell a friend, talk to your work or see your GP. It is real & it can be debilitating. But by allowing yourself a break, days to accept what your body needs, support from family, friends, your health team & work it can be managed. It just takes time. The biggest killer is the guilt. The guilt you’ve let yourself & others down. I haven’t found a solution to this part yet but I will as I continue my recovery & therapy.

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