mental health

Honesty with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder

Today I met a wonderful inspiration lady called Lisa who shared her story with me. I took so much advice from her on board, how to tell my story & only mine, how to prepare, how to not keep my kids away from the truth & emotions but above all else she told me about being truthful.

Having a personality disorder there are 3 main reasons why honesty is difficult, but it’s not impossible & I’ll endeavour to incorporate honesty

  1. Sometimes I don’t always know the truth
  2. Sometimes my truth / mood changes so quickly
  3. I’m All or Nothing, Black or White

So firstly, I don’t always know how I feel. Sometimes I think I’m coping with things, when I’m not, I’m still learning my own triggers & sometimes I really just don’t know what the truth is. I can’t remember, or my memory can be sketchy. I think I’m well when I’m ill sometimes. I think I’m happy when I’m sad, or vice versa. It’s not about attention seeking or trying to exaggerate, its searching for the truth & validation.

Secondary, my mood fluctuates more often than I drink a cup of Tea, and believe me, I drink a lot of tea. The truth, feeling or mood I told you 20 minutes ago in person, by phone or text could have done a full 180 in a flash. I was high as a kite & now I’m as low as can be. I’m not trying to be manipulative. I can imagine how frustrating it is for you to listen to & cope with, but imagine that little ping pong ball up and down in your head constantly flickering like a disco light on and off. Up and down, up and down, so you stop saying anything that’s affirmative because it’ll probably change in half an hour. It can be exhausting.

And thirdly, the problem with us “All or Nothing’s” is exactly that. We’re prone to bottle everything up, or tell every minor detail. Trying to find the right balance when someone says, “how are you today?”! The hours I have spent searching my brain for a non committal answer that isn’t lying, worrying or oversharing keeps me awake at night. By the time I think of an answer I actually have no idea what the answer is & how I feel… and then here we go again, that voice, the one we all have, chirps in with their opinion:

  • They are trying to catch you out
  • Don’t tell them how you really feel
  • Keep quiet
  • Stay at home
  • Keep your head down
  • They will judge you
  • They hate you

Or I go the other way:

  • They seem to be genuine, tell them your life story, your whole life
  • They are so nice, rely on them, depend on them (sometimes too much)
  • They love you

I seem to be a person who doesn’t believe in like or tolerate or someone who gets on with someone. I think someone hates & despises me or, thinks I’m amazing & loves me. My rational knows that there is a huge spectrum between these two feelings, but my head, my heart, my soul longs to be loved by everyone & hated by none. So with telling the truth it’s hard because you can go to far. Classic example of “does this look nice?” I say yes. If I were to overthink it my brain would collapse. If I tell you I love your top or your shoes that’s genuine, that’s my thinking. That’s me saying you look great or thanking you for something off the cuff.

I’ll be honest, I was honest with my sister below, they made her look like E.T.

So as you can see I’m working on honesty but it’s not as simple for me as telling the truth. I always aim to do that. It’s learning the right ways to understand the truth & deliver it.

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