This last couple of weeks I’ve been pretty stable, even since returning from holiday, so that’s amazing. Because I’ve been so stable, people have felt able to approach me on how they feel about different things. I love this. I have friends & family that can now read my blog & then approach me about concerns or thoughts that I may never have said our loyd. I think they are learning to read my mood & that determines whether they speak up or not at that point.
This week I had a bit of a heart to heart with my dad. He’s been worried that I’m exposing some of my deepest thoughts, & once they are out there, they are out there. He’s lucky he picked a good day, but on other days, his comments may have been responded to with defensive comments, frustration & anger. But we had a great chat. Probably the best we’ve ever had. Following this he voted for me on my award, of course he has to mention he’s a minister, that’s Dad for you! But he wrote this:
Wednesday, April 25, 2018 – “Sarah is determined to succeed despite the fact that she has had so many difficult issues to address. Each day brings fresh challenges that she is gradually learning to deal with and I believe she is getting stronger and better. She has been very open and honest in her blogs and her views help many others. I am Sarah’s father, a church minister, and I am very proud that she is managing her condition, is trying to do her best, and is helping people in similar circumstances to face their challenges too. ”
There’s a word in there that means a lot to me, “proud”. Not just proud, “very”. It’s come up in a lot of my sessions with my psychiatrist that I feel the need for someone to say that they are “proud of me”. It’s my way of getting validation for making the right choice or doing a good thing. My mum used to say it a lot, but because I’ve been quite the emotional wreck these last few years I haven’t heard it, even though I know people have said it. I think reading it made it real. It made my cry. So thank you Dad, those words meant more than you’ll probably ever know.
The thing with me is, I’ve never really found “what I’m good at” or “what I’m meant to do with my life”. As the Mind website describes, one of the symptoms as “not having a strong sense of who we are”. We don’t think we’re special, or deserve something extra in life. For me I’ve never found my grounding. This said I do know & try to remember I was put here & am I here to raise 2 strong young girls & develop them into strong women by being a good role model.
The other thing is, that I agree with those that are worried about me. I am over-exposing my inner most thoughts, detailing things that sometimes I wish I hadn’t written or could delete. But I think it’s those things that people have found they can resonate with. The honesty & sometimes the rawness of my blogs, is what enables them to feel they aren’t alone. If we’re ever to make it OK for someone to have thoughts & feelings that are like mine, negative, worrying & for that to be acceptable & to help them seek help, then I need to share mine. I too have that inner critic who just won’t leave you alone most days, telling me to give up, I’m not good enough, is it attention seeking, why can’t I be normal, everyone would be better if I wasn’t here. But if I feel those things, then I need for myself and for others to share that I feel that too.
This is probably one of my more serious blogs, as I often get through life & my condition through humour. But not everyone can, so I will have dark days, & I will write about those, because I want to have an impact. I want people to be able to talk about their feelings. On top of all of this, blogging is my therapy, my vent! I can write it all down, hit send & for a little time my brain is empty of worries or woes!
It is OK to not be OK!