Borderline Personality Disorder

3 years since I said goodbye to mum tomorrow

Tonight is usually my bad night. I know I’ll find it tough, I always do, however much I prepare for it. There are people I talk to and it never gets easier. I’ve also spoke to those for whom it eases with time. I’ve heard every quote, but for me, it does get easier with time, but tomorrow, it’s just a sad time.

For me, 3 years ago my life began to tipple as I lost my mum on 20th April 2015. Not just me, I have 2 sisters, a step-dad (& it’s his birthday too), daughters, nieces, nephews, family & friends. It was for me a trigger in my mental health as I lost my mum, my closest friend, my confidante & the person who I could tell anything too. I wrote about losing my mum to ovarian cancer here, just 6 weeks from her diagnosis. The following year I took part in the Mighty Deerstalker with two friends Alex & Claire, in Edinburgh & raised over £2000 so we could get my mum added to the Ovarian Cancer Action tribute wall in London. In fact I may visit when I’m there next week. Completing the Mighty Deerstalker for Ovarian Cancer Action

I feel sad that she will miss her granddaughters growing up & that they won’t grow up with her at their karate presentation nights, prom nights or school plays. I’m also frustrated that she isn’t here to help with the journey of parenting, & especially the early menopause, but hey we can’t have everything. I had an amazing mum who left us with amazing memories.

For a long time I wanted to compete, to be as good a mum as she was or better. It’s only lately I’ve realised there is no competition. I am their only mum & I have to be their grandma too at times. And I can only be the best version of me.

I find birthdays, Christmas’s & special moments where we share memories & remember the fun times through rose tinted glasses. But I find the day she passed away a difficult day to “celebrate”. I know I struggle, I usually have too many proseccos when raising a toast, I have a playlist which I play full of sad songs that reminds me of her & I look through all the photos I have saved of her. I generally do this the night before, (so tonight), once the girls have gone to bed. Tonight will be slightly different as I’ve swapped the alcohol for hot chocolate, but I’ll raise a mug & have a cry. I need tonight to cry for her and think of only her, just for a few hours on my own. It gives me time to talk to her.

I miss her every day & although I feel it’s the hardest thing I can go through, I know that there are people who are much worse off. Those who lose a child, those who trying to be a Mum or Dad.

And love her & both these tattoos are in memory to her, My memory tattoos

We got to travel to Florida because we lost my mum & I would rather stay at home on my back garden, if it meant I could have her home.

But live, laugh & love. Don’t waste a second, experience all you can & give those you love an extra squeeze tonight & tell them you love them. Family & memories are everything & whenever I feel low, I have to count my blessings. How fortunate I am to have a family & supportive friends who tomorrow we will be meeting up for a girly night so I don’t start being a victim at my own pity party!

As cliche as it is, live life to the full

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s