Borderline Personality Disorder

Day 15 and the anxiety hits reverse – who is the real ME?

So this morning after a great nights sleep, I’ve woke up edgy & agitated. I really want to stay in bed today. Just sleep, laze about, do nothing. When I first woke up I couldn’t think why. We had a blast yesterday at our last day at Universal’s Volcano Bay & today we’re due to go to Disney’s Epcot. But I don’t want to. And then it hit me, we have 4 days left before I have to be ME again.

The things that worries me most about being here were the crowds & queues, being away from home, away from family, friends & work. But it turns out that maybe these aren’t my triggers. The thing with a Personality Disorder is your never fully sure who you are, and apart from the odd off day I’ve been able to be a version of me I quite like. I’ve been on rollercoasters (& I hate them usually) & I’ve loved them. I’ve been the geeky mum jumping in photos with the characters & loved it.

But now I’m anxious about returning home & the expectations that normal life brings. We have some great things to look forward to so there’s not much holiday home blues occurring. I love my job & cant wait to get back to it, but I think it’s the other stuff

  • The end of the rollercoaster (excuse the pun) adventure of something different every day
  • The fear of the mundane & routine, that I crave & know is good for me
  • The medication review & psychiatrist appointment in a couple of weeks
  • The fear of judgement, around “showing off” about our holiday when I want to share every amazing detail
  • The housework & general life stuff
  • And finally planning of the next “project” travel trip

I have pretty much loved being free to walk around & be whoever I wanted for the last 2 weeks, but now I know I’ll be trying to fit the mould again

  • Be the perfect mum
  • Be able to have a drink with friends & not get drunk
  • Travel alone (oh my god I haven’t been anyway alone for so long)
  • Think about others – I know how selfish this sounds, but for 2 weeks I’ve just been able to do what I need to to please my 2 girls
  • Exercise & lose weight – I know this is good for me, I know it will help my self esteem & my health but I think it’s because I feel like I HAVE to start as soon as we get home
  • And we’re also finally after almost 3 years going to scatter mums ashes. I’m looking forward to this & having somewhere to “visit” her but it doesn’t stop the anxiety.

So in conclusion, having vented I will go to to the park with the girls today & will try to still be that version of ME

I have 3 days in Sarasota still to enjoy where I can see my Great Aunt Linda & chill out

I’m looking forward to returning Pete his travelled mug on Tuesday & being back at work. (I’ve never felt like this returning from holiday)

And when I get home I’m going to try & stay this version of ME. I haven’t mastered it, it won’t be easy & I’ll have bad days. But I’m going to try. What matters most is:

  • My kids being happy & healthy
  • My husband & I being happy & healthy
  • Enjoying my job & improving so I’m doing the job needed & I still want to exceed expectations
  • To have a balance at home for relaxation & enjoyment
  • To try to think less about what others think. I’m ME, whatever version, up or down, happy or sad. It’s all a part of me & I’m going to try & embrace it

Sheffield I will see you on Monday! I’ll be raring to go x

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