Losing my Kirsty to Suicide

So this is Kirsty, my version. The thing with Kirsty was & still is, she was a best friend to so many!

We had met at the local pub through a mutual friend Alex when we were around 16 or 17. We then booked an amazing first girls holiday to Kos when we were 18 & from that holiday onwards we were close (is it wrong that I’m also thinking I wish I was as fat as I thought I was then now?!)

In Kos, Greece 1999. I’m 3rd from the left in blue & kirsty is on the end right

Not long after this holiday most of the group disappeared off to university. We had the occasional meet up, but we weren’t all as close. Kirsty then went travelling round the world after uni with her bestie Lydia! A friend I would soon class as my closest, but just wish under better circumstances.

Kirsty & her soul mate & best friend Lydia

When she got back I didn’t see her as often & I think this was when she first struggled with depression. I too had suffered but we never really discussed it & I wasn’t really there for her.

Life moved on for everyone differently, I made new friends, got married & had 2 beautiful little girls. But Kirsty was still at their christenings, we were still friends, just didn’t see each other as often. I don’t know what & when it changed, but I’m so glad it did.

We went for a drink on Ecclesall Road, Sheffield, where she was living at the time with her French friend. We both had too much wine & chatted about mental health until the early hours & how we had both suffered. We had so much in common. From then on I saw Kirsty most weeks. She became a part of our family. My girls looked up to her & loved her. We loved travelling to Edinburgh for various jaunts to see Alex & co. for New Year (this became an annual trip) & girly trips.

All packed in the car for another road trip to Scotland

We once travelled up to Penicuik for less than 24 hours for Alex’s surprise 30th birthday party! Arriving at 4pm & leaving the next day at 12pm! Thank goodness to my husband for driving.

Surprising Alex at her 30th

We both had good & bad days, weeks or months, but I felt like she got me. She would come for dinner, she would have to play with the kids & put them to bed, we’d banish Nigel to bed too & then we’d sit up talking for hours putting the world to rights!

I have so many memories I could share, but the weekend before my mum passed away, my mum had handed out her jewellery to me & my 2 sisters on the Saturday. We’d all smiled & gone home. I phoned Kirsty just to chat, whilst pouring a glass of wine. She was soon at my house with her new boyfriend, and my amazing friend to become, Raymie. I had by the time she arrived drunk more than a glass or two of wine, she hugged me, listened to my woes & put me to bed with a bucket by my side. She stroked my hair & looked after me. I loved & do still love her. She got me. I got her.

L-R Me, Lydia, Raymie

She had met Raymie at one of our ventures to the Scottish Borders for New Year. My daughters favourite memory of Kirsty, was the bizarre yet amazing fake wedding we held for them two days after they met.

I am clearly the vicar, like father, like daughter?!

But sadly our last weekend away in Manchester in 2016, I could tell she wasn’t well. I didn’t realise how unwell, I just thought it was a bad week, but I remember as we shared a double bed, she asked if she could cuddle me til she went to sleep… I said “Ok, but no funny business, I’m not Raymie”!

This was my last night out with Kirsty.

She found the battle with mental health tough & took her own life in September 2016. I miss her every day. You can blame & think what if, but we will never have answers. She was beautiful & amazing & my angel. I have since grown closer to so many others because she brought us all together. Her amazing mum Christine brought me a guardian angel necklace for my birthday so that kirsty & my mum could always be with me. I am imagine my mum & Kirsty on a cloud chatting away taking care of each other & looking down on all of us.

Kirsty & her mum Christine

Even with everything she goes through every day she is still thinking of others. I adore & love her.

I also am so grateful for my friendships with Alex & Jess & my new stronger friendships with the Alex P, Christian & my love Lydia. If I’ve missed anyone I didn’t mean too. I jogged/ walked a half marathon in her memory for SOBS Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide, whilst Christian & Alex ran the whole thing. Please contact them if you need support after losing someone. If you need support or if you need help with feeling suicidal there is help out there Mind & the Samaritans which has been a great help to me.

Now are just many photos of my wonderful memories of my bestie! Kirsty I love you!