I want my sparkle back

I’ve debated sharing this even though I wrote it a few days ago, but I seem to feel better when I share. I only worry about the judgement I’ll face as I have enough guilt about borderline & my bad habits as it is.

I was home to on Mother’s Day at 5am, ready as normal to open my cards & my orchid. I didn’t make my meal out booked for Mother’s Day, spent most of the day asleep on the sofa, but I was there, hugging my girls & telling them a thousand times I loved them.

This is the selfie I sent my children the night before Mother’s Day, from the hospital to say I was ok after the ambulance collected me Saturday night. I clearly wasn’t ok, they knew that, I knew that, the paramedics & hospital staff knew that but it helped that they could text back and say glad your smiling.

The reasons why I ended up there are unimportant right now. I have lots of lovely professionals trying to argue that out & reorganise medication, treatment, waiting lists & appointments. The problem is I’m back in that “I don’t want to leave the house alone again”.

My daughters kind message of the day is

How I wish I did! I used to. I used to be the annoying centre of attention, last one standing at the party, arranging the party, bright & sparkling, always wanting to go out. I’ve always been spontaneous, which is frustrating for others, but now it’s the opposite. If I manage to make a plan, I cancel it, usually about 15 minutes prior to the start.

I just want to take that first step forward & it be forward. Instead of 2 steps forward & what feels like 3 steps back. Tell me I’m not alone. That I can be a good mum whatever mistakes I make, however I hide away it will get better. I just want to be me. The old one. The one with the sparkle!