To share this is not only hard & heartbreaking, but it is important for me. If we are ever going to remove the stigma associated with all mental health illnesses, not just depression, then we need to stand up & be honest, however hard. Last month I found out I have a broken personality.
Don’t laugh! It’s not as funny or as uncommon as you’d think. There was probably only my husband (& my mum had she still been with us) that would have agreed with this.
I am generally seen as bubbly, funny, caring & confident, but I have developed this over time. Having suffered with depression, anxiety for many years & aware that a more serious diagnosis was approaching, I jumped at the opportunity to attend a Mental Health First Aid course with my work colleagues. It was extremely useful, but there was some difficult content & throughout the course I experienced some anxiety. I’ve suffered with anxiety before so being sensible took a couple of days to self-care, working from home as I have a great job where this flexibility is possible.
Just 5 days later I had my next appointment with my psychiatrist & I was diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, previously known as Borderline Personality Disorder. Now let’s be honest, neither are hardly a complimentary description are they? They are not an aspiration in life or something you’d like to add to your CV. Believe me, it’s not easy to accept either. Suddenly, even though I knew it was coming, I was labelled! I had been seeing the community mental health team on & off for 3 years, but now it was real.
I’ve had to take some time to digest this information, especially the 18 month waiting list for DBT treatment which broke me. But now I have my positive pants on & want to be brave & brush off the stigma & started with the mind website, which was a perfect research tool for me & my family & friends – feel free to check it out EUPD at Mind https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/#.WomJ1nCnzYU
Basically I can often feel things more intensely than others, from worries, to compassion. I see my empathy as a gift, even though this means I’ll cry at the most inappropriate times.
I’m back to work this week & cant wait as I’m very lucky to love my job. I get to travel, meet people who change lives & help my boss to make a difference. So far this blog is my biggest step to recovery, along with returning to work, an anxiety pack for my bag & a dramatic hair dye to purple (husband is not yet convinced)!
I’ll do my best to my best to share my journey ups & downs with my usual sense of humour (or at least I find myself funny)! And these two little angels (at times) will keep me going. Because I want to be “well” for them.
My daughters meeting Nadiya